Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Anime Evolution has been moved. Join our new site and catch up on all the fun. We are waitingf or you at www.animesky.org
 
HomeSearchLatest imagesRegisterLog inArcade

 

 Prologue--Complete, would like opinions

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Guest
Guest
avatar



Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions EmptySat 18 Aug 2007, 6:30 pm

A time had come for war and life to come to its end. Swords were swung from the left and right as a girl went in and out of the crowd to try and find the one she loved. Her beloved fighter, a man with the will to die for her and her kingdom.

The sight of his fighting ended in front of her as he was stabbed in the chest by a blood traitor friend, her friend she believed that thought her love correct. “No!” she had screamed so loud and her friend had gone pale seeing her face and knowing she now knew what he truly thought of her loving this man. The girl with her long black raven hair and blue sparkling eyes of tears slowly started to walk towards her loved one and her friend. She grabbed a sword now starting to run quickly. Her speed seemed to increase some how as picked up a sword and swung it upon her friend, the friend that hated her loved one because he was jealous of them and wanted her, but found he deserved this. His body fell to the ground now in half and blood covered the child.

“My love, oh, my love. Why did you leave me to fight such a fool?” She cried out and tears flooded down upon her rose cheeks that had some blood upon them. Her body was shaking and her heart pounded against her chest so hard, she fell to the ground. “Why did you have to get yourself killed?”

“Princess, you must stand up and return to the palace.” A man said gently to the fifteen year old girl. “We can’t take a chance on you losing your life.”

She slowly stood up and nodded and walked only in a daze while her soul seemed to stay behind and weep for her lover. Her mind could only ask the same question every time, “Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me to this land? Didn’t you ask to marry me even though you were lower rank? Why?”

As she passed through the men being guided, the sound of the swords echoed in her head and her tears didn’t seem to stop. She could hear the echoing of screams and cries of pain and her heart broke far worse than anyone could imagine. “Stop it...” she whispered and stopped walking now and causing the guard to stop as well and frown at her.

“Your highness we must keep moving.”

“Stop it!” she said a little louder only to barely hear herself say it and then she looked around her. “Stop fighting!”

The clanging of the swords kept going and a man soon fell in front of her feet dead from a slash in the throat. She stared and then looked around her. The street was covered with dead bodies, some bodies of children, others women and men. Blood covered the walls of homes and still no one came to help wounded out of this mess but allowed them to be killed completely by their own comrades. “Stop such pointless fighting!” she screamed looking to the men who fought their once friends and her voice rang out to the crowd and some men had stopped, but most continued.

A man of two and six foot and a strong body came crashing towards her and the soldier. The tall soldier placed up his guard as the man swung his sword to the left to make a slash into the guard’s side. He managed to block with no seconds to spare and the princess’s eyes began to shift from sadness to anger and her heart pounded so wildly. Her mind wouldn’t stop, “Finish this, show them who is the real leader. Take a sword and kill these pathetic men who have slaughtered your people.”

The princess’s hand shook and she slowly lifted a sword from beside her. The image of her blood traitor friend flashed into her mind before she killed him. His eyes had been sad and he seemed to be crying with his blood. His laugh was so cold and dangerous she felt sickened that she ever knew such a man to be a friend. “Why did he have to take my love?” her thoughts asked.

She began to grip the sword and looked around her wanting to never see images of her killing again, but felt that she couldn’t hold herself back. Her called to her again, “Finish this fighting, kill them all and move away. Get this over and done with and no more will be worried about.”

Her head shook and her eyes became darker with hatred. “Why do you idiots continue to fight?” she yelled. Her voice echoed in her head and awoke a new side which the smallest part of her became aware what she became, but couldn’t stop it. The voice was darker and filled with so much hatred that she shivered a little.

“Your leader is dead and you continue to fight against your friends and kill your own blood?” She looked to the people fighting and none of them would listen as her blood boiled and her head throbbed when she thought of how she killed her own friend. Her mind asking more questions, “Why did the battle start? Why did he lead them against their friends and family?”

A man lightly touched her shoulder and whispered, “Put the sword to the ground, Your highness.”

She turned quickly with the sword and sliced the man in half for had placed a blade to her neck. Her eyes widened in shock to see that her own father’s blood went all over her pants and shirt and the sword dropped from her hand. “M-m-my own father...” her voice cracked as she whispered.

Her body walked away from the dead and her knees buckled while her legs felt so heavy as she walked away in deep shock. Her only other friend, which was her uncle grabbed her lightly when he spotted her. She slowly began to collapse from the stress that was building from the events. He frowned seeing her covered in dripping blood and managed to get her into the safety of a leaving train to London.
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest
avatar



Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Re: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions EmptyWed 22 Aug 2007, 11:04 pm

What a sad and tragic story. I soon realized the main character was a princess as the story unraveled. You set up a good prolouge for the story. If you continue to write more, this story will surely become interesting. How she killed her father was kind of, well life like. I would have sliced someone in half if someone put a sword next to my neck xD.

Ihomaru wrote:
she had screamed so loud and her friend had gone pale seeing her face and knowing she now knew what he truly thought of her loving this man.
I think it should be: she had screamed so loud, that her friend had gone pale knowing she now knew what she truly thought of her loving this man.
((This is what I think, but its fine the way it is.))

Ihomaru wrote:
The girl with her long black raven hair and blue sparkling eyes of tears slowly started to walk towards her loved one and her friend.
You gave lots of good details contributing to the characters looks. If you change some words around it'll sound much more better.

Ihomaru wrote:
His body fell to the ground now in half and blood covered the child.
Child? what child...Or maybe I missed something.
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest
avatar



Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Re: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions EmptyThu 23 Aug 2007, 2:19 am

I'm most likely going to reword it, because she is fifteen some people find that age to be a child more than for marriage, but then some find it as a young woman. I used it to call her a child. I'm most likely going to change the word to young woman though so that it makes more sense.
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest
avatar



Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Re: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions EmptyTue 28 Aug 2007, 1:14 am

is this story based in aicent japan ? just wondering and 1 last thing did she have any skills with a blade ? a fiffteen year slice a man in half not trying to be rude just telling u wut i think
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest
avatar



Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Re: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions EmptyFri 31 Aug 2007, 3:37 pm

In some ways, someone could become skilled if they tried and when they don't realize another will not fight back they can easily kill someone. So truthfully it shows she isn't that skilled since she turned and killed her father, it showed it to become a basic instinct to live. I don't believe it will be an ancient Japanese or Chinese story though. You'll have to wait and see for the rest of it.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content





Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty
PostSubject: Re: Prologue--Complete, would like opinions   Prologue--Complete, would like opinions Empty

Back to top Go down
 
Prologue--Complete, would like opinions
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: Literature and RPG :: Literature-
Jump to: